My Oogedy Boogedy Brain
So I was reading the last post on dear old Tsubaki's blog, and in addition to making me hungry for Indian food, it touched a nerve--a little boil, if you will, that has begun to fester at one of the back corners of my mind. Within this boil is the increasingly troubling realization that I constantly label myself as...
...nothing.
I have no definite religion, no one culture whose traditions and idiosyncrasies (delightful or otherwise) I embrace, no political view that I subscribe to. My sexual orientation is by no means clear, and I'm having growing doubts about my career ambitions, which mere weeks ago were the strongest convictions I had. On a smaller scale, my eyes are bluegreengrey, my favorite color is purplecrimsonaquamarine, and I've recently been finding myself listening to (and ENJOYING) a ton of embarrassing pop songs--I, who like to project myself as a lover of hippie music.
Good God, I am indecisive. I am utterly incapable of identifying myself as anything, of taking a side. Do I admire this part of myself? I can't decide. (Typical.) On one hand, there's the obvious benefit of being open-minded, which is incredibly liberating. But on the other hand, all that freedom can't compare to the completeness of belonging to something, which--and no one can deny this--feels great.
I guess I've had this predicament coming to me ever since I abandoned my first major convictions--which means that the little mental boil has actually been festering for years. (Pretty picture, ain't it?) The saddest part about it is that, since I am basically a question mark on two legs, I gain my stability from daydreams, crushes (which are rare these days), and daily routines. Which is a pretty strong indicator that my stability sucks beans.
As I said, being a free floater has its perks. But, honest to God, it's working my last nerve right now. Crazy as it sounds, I want a little bias, a little conviction, a little leap of faith--even though it'll take a lot of work, since my aversion to leaps of faith is almost as great as my aversion to cream cheese. Just anything, ANYTHING except a little goddamned boil.
gepost door Ahaneen @ 11:32 p.m.
6 reacties:
I'll be honest, though I can try to understand your predicament, I am most certainly not in the same boat. Sure, my once irrational and fiery convictions have subsided, but in nature I am someone who likes to be defined. My eyes are brown, I like girls and guys, I'll never have kids and I'm pro-life. I like being dramatic, and when I'm not dramatic I'm observant, and when I'm not observant I'm either angry or dreamy, and then I become dramatic again. I like to argue, I like to hear myself speak, I know that I think that I'm deep.
But this decisiveness of mine makes me admire your ability to not have strong convictions. I can understand how it can be troubling, but just keep in mind that I could never be like that. Let's call it a funny sort of gift. And, even though it's a bit of an oxymoron, this indecisiveness is what makes you who you are.
And, to be honest, some of these descisions are made for you. You belong to your family, which is of some sort of eurou-scandi-whatever origin, but is most certainly from Seattle. You are American. You do like to write, even if you may not want the joys of authorship as a career. Your hair is blonde, you play guitar, you say "doogie" (yes, even that descision was made for you). You are in love with Lindsay Aegerter. You are already defined my dear.
Oh look, a random point! So, basically, you are not unrooted - it is your actions that have defined you. Too bad, so sad.
(Wooo hooooooo! hexa long comment yo)
Oh, and, UPDATE THE DUNE PARODY GOD DAMMIT.
(I'm telling your co-conspirator this too).
Hehe, I have thought a bit about the "I am defined by my indecisiveness" paradox, and it is a doozy. But I want to be defined just as you do, in theory; the only problem is, I instinctively back off whenever someone brandishes any kind of generalization at me. (I even got the willies from reading your little riff of things that define me. And thank you for the doogie props, btw.)
So it isn't so much the fact that I'm undecided on many things that pisses me off--it's the virtual gag reflex that renders me unable to swallow any sort of generalization.
Ah, well...the next post will be funny and not so self-centered, I promise!! And bug my conspirator about Duneside; it's HER turn to write, after all. :D
Guys, I've got to say that I agree with both of you. THis has inspired me to someday write a story about some people who are defined and undefined. (Don't worry, I'll work on the plot). Basically my point is that I am in the exact same frickin boat like Pi and Richard parker. (I'm Richard Parker and Ahaneen is Pi). The point is that I try to make up things that I believe in and play them up so that I feel unique. It's dumb, I know, but I still feel like if I don't try I'll fade and won't be memorable. Decisive and defined people, on the other hand, are memorable and liked and special and I feel so lame and pathetic to just be "one of the many". And now I'm being self-depricating and it's pissing me off. Goshdarnitall. Nice post though.
*hugs*
Funnyscruffs
Oh yeah, could you guys respond so that I know you read this or else I'll feel stupid. HeeeHeee! :)
Check out your first blog posty thing. The very first one. May or may not be of use.
Hmm but yes. Personally, I'm really fond of expression so I've befriended definition in the process. There's a line, though, between definition and generalization, but neither's really good or bad. Maybe I'm not making much sense... likely. And remember, people will define you even if you don't... don't know if that's helpful or not, but it's true.
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