THE JULIA POST

I've come to the recent conclusion that I actually TRY to fail at certain things, to save myself from...hell, I don't know. These things include playing soccer in P.E., holding down a bar chord on a steel-stringed guitar for more than 10 seconds, and, of course, posting on this blog. Meaning that if you all want me to post more, then either give me money to go see a therapist about this failing problem, or...threaten my loved ones. Maybe just hold up a puppy and say "Wandor/Wando/Wado/'Do, if you do not post, this puppy will die."

Anyway, this post is a long time coming: the Julia Post. I don't know when I actually promised my dear friend Julia to write a post dedicated to her, but I did, and I don't regret it. And as the first order of business, I have a message for Julia: since I know you don't like people's names being put up on blogs for privacy's sake, your name will only be up here for a few days, after which time I'll change it to the best name I find in the comments. And then this sentence (and the one preceding it) will disappear.

But how to do a Julia Post? After much puzzling, I decided that the best way to do it would be to brainstorm a list of things that come to mind when I think of Julia, and then write a short rambling for each. Which means that the rest of this post will make as much sense as the phrase "Stupidfresh!" I have ordered the most coherent things first in the list, and then it descends slowly into madness.

1. "Beans"
   Beans, beans, what is there to say about beans? The best thing about that word is that you can tack on any other word, like "lame" or "fun" or "cool," and the resulting phrase will make absolutely no sense to a regular, thinking person; but will be perfectly understandable to the poetically flexible brain of a spazoid. Meaning that we no longer need online questionnaires or heart-wrenching betrayals to show us who our true friends are: simply slip the phrase "awesome beans" into your first conversation with someone, and a true friend will, at least, not look at you like you're a moron; and at best will reply with "Jokes!!"


2. "Julia" by The Beatles
   This song proves that John Lennon was a genius. Why? Because half the guitar chords in it are ones that he probably made up while thinking he was a walrus; and the other half are perfectly normal chords that, when sprinkled in with the others, sound equally wacky. In addition, the key that I play it in requires me to sing either really high or really low. Which is not John Lennon's fault, technically; if I were to play it in the key he wrote it in, I would not have this problem. But I would also have to use a capo. And capos scare me.


3. English Class
   Tell me a joke. Tell me a joke. Tell me a joke.
   That should have made sense to all those who are in Ms. Aegerter's 8th period English class, but to those who aren't...there was an episode in which Ms. Aegerter left the room for a few minutes, leaving us to work silently, and Kate decided to fill that silence by saying "tell me a joke" every ten seconds.
   Don't even ask.


4. Tall People
   Ever notice that a person's height is relative? Sometimes I'll have known someone for a long time, and become such good friends with them that I don't realize how much shorter they are than I am. (Except for, you know, the really short people.) Or I'll have met someone during their "tiny" stage, and then suddenly one day we'll stand back to back and they're TALLER than me. That always makes me happy inside. I've also noticed that different people "wear" their height differently...for example, Julia is a tall person who doesn't try to mask it. Me, I'm more of a sloucher.


5. Beanie Babies
   I'm going to rush through this one because it makes me sad to think of stuffed animals. I've got about a hundred, but I like having my room relatively neat so I kinda put them all in a closet. And now they're probably dusty and have worms. I should come up with some kind of rota so that three or four animals at a time can emerge from the darkness and occupy my bucket chair. Yes, that would work nicely.


6. Double Frees
   It seems like double frees were a lot more fun last year. Probably because I was more of a spaz then, and spent less time staring at my Google homepage and more time hiding in trash cans. Trash cans, and rain dancing, and hiding under the stage in the auditorium. And now...Youtube. I also didn't realize last year how lucky I was to have a double free after Assembly. Having to wake up from a PowerPoint-induced stupor and then trudge off to class makes my insides go cannabalistic every time.


7. Friendly Dogs
   My neck hurts. I say this because I have nothing to say about friendly dogs. Well, other than sometimes they sniff your crotch (WHY?), and sometimes they have saggy faces. Sometimes they stink like rotten meat. Sometimes they just sag like a heavy load. Fortunately, I've never seen one explode.
   





8. Pool
   Pool is a very fun game, even though I've only played it once, and even though more than half the fun of playing it isn't the game at all. It's that it's pool. True, I am an American adolescent girl who will probably die without having smoked a single doobie, but whenever I play pool I feel like I should be in a dark musty pub holding a tankard of beer, puffing on a pipe, and speaking in a Cockney accent. And who can hate that feeling? (The only weird thing is that Billy Boyd tends to pop up among my other hallucinations. And he's Scottish, for Godsake.)

Anyhoo, in keeping with the randomness of this post, I have attached an arbitrary picture to each of the items on the list. I love you, Julia.

But now I have to go. My office is on fire.