And One More For The Road

First of all, since I haven't posted since the flurry of blog-privatization happened, it would be prudent for me to explain where this blog is going: essentially, I'm not making it private. Content-wise, there's nothing on here that I feel like I have to hide from anyone, although I will be taking down all the photos of people I know. Also, if you don't want me mentioning you by first name (or any other specific name) on this blog, let me know and I'll use a very discreet nickname instead. The same thing goes if my blog has a link to yours--if you don't want the link there, tell me and I'll take it off. The other reason I'm keeping the blog public is that once in a while, I get a comment from a stranger who isn't interested in selling me scented candles or Italian porn, and as of yet those strangers have been cool people with cool blogs.

In skimming every old post of mine to make sure that, in fact, there WAS nothing in the archives that I wanted to hide from the world, I made a somewhat boggling discovery: I've had this good ol' junker of a blog for ALMOST THREE YEARS. I started reading through the posts more thoroughly, thinking, "Now I can see how I've changed as a person!!" And the results, my friends, were met with mixed reactions from the narrator.

The most obvious change in me since September of 2005 is that I post less. How dramatic. But really, if you look at my primeval posts, you'll see that I used to update multiple times a week. And I was much less picky about the topics of my posts. For example, one of my posts is about Google-searching the names of characters from my old (and classic) fantasy stories. More common are the posts that have no coherent theme at all--like the one titled "Aw, Shit Fire and Damnation!" in which I waxed philosophical about a golfing movie, "Blonde Moments," and my idea for a holiday, "when God/whatev plays really loud music and it blasts through the clouds and everyone gets to hear it for like two hours, and people...I dunno, give you Peeps or something." One of the highlights of reading the archives was seeing a post called "Wave O' Babies!" In that post, I said, "Time is ticking away like...stuff." Oh, how right I was.

But you know, the more things change, the more they stay the same. I still stick random pictures in most of my posts, I still have blonde moments, and I still have no life whatsoever. This was driven home to me when I read a post from the end of 8th grade, in which I basically said, "Summer's coming up, and I'm not going to spend it doing anything social or useful because none of the things I like to do are social or useful." Which remains true. My favorite things to do are still to write, play music, draw, and act in plays, and I've only ever done one of those things with other people. The rest I do alone, in my basement. Does that have to be the case? No indeed. As I said in the end-of-8th-grade post, I could play with a band, join a writers' circle, or take an art class. Have I done any of these? Of course not! And the question arises--why am I still as lazy, as frightened of the outside world, and as reluctant to get a life as I was two summers ago? This summer I actually have some opportunities--I could take driver's ed, get a job, do community service--and yet when I think about grabbing those opportunities, a little part of me shrivels up and squeals, "But that would mean putting in an independent effort!"

I have, ironically, become the one thing that I've always detested in other people: stagnant. My readiness to make an excuse not to take risks, or to try something new, is astounding. I am a daring person only in my own daydreams. And I can't for the life of me figure out why. So I ask: do any of you have this problem, or have you ever had it--and how do I make it stop?!?